Story: The Slightly Threatening Invasion of a Slightly Threatening Foe
Why? I'm asking myself that very same question. This is not canon. I repeat. This is not canon. The Slightly Threatening Infiltration The stars were quiet, a peaceful day in space. Well, if it can be called peaceful, what with all the shooting comets and blinding sunlight and the risk of getting your eyes boiled into nothing or whatever. That "peace" (you know what I mean) was about to be broken. A big giant slightly threatening ship-thing flew out of the darkness. It was heading towards Emenata. ---- "Aah, what a lovely day!" So says Sirky the Skarg. Sirky seemed to have some mental issues, namely because he wasn't gruff and skipped around all happy-go-lucky each day. He was also even more incredibly stupid than normal Skarg standards. He skipped up to this Archimedean, who seemed to be observing a small piece of snack crumb intently. "Lovely day!" the Skarg said. The Archimedean gave him this slightly annoyed look, and mumbled, "Blererererererep." Sirky stood there, comprehending the words and why they didn't say "Indeedy-doo!" In his tiny head, he thought that maybe the translator thingie wasn't working right. So, he pushed what he thought was a button on a complicated device that was in his pocket. The device was a piece of currency. Smiling, he turned back to the Archimedean. "Blererererererererep." Sirky paused again, thinking that if he bashed himself about the head a few times it might clear up the problem, when he bolted upright and in a rather mechanical voice, said "INSTRUCTIONS IMPLEMENTED AND INTERPRETED. I OBEY." He skipped off again, leaving the Archimedean to say to himself, "Bloody insurance agents. They get weirder every day. At least they know when they've blundered it." ---- There was quite a buzz on Centro. "Something very strange is happening," Zyk (a Zyrothan, if you couldn't guess) said to the Salsene council head, Sal (how remarkably appropriate). "It seems that all the citizens in the galaxy with an IQ of less than 46 have all gone absolutely bonkers." "Is it a surprise?" Sal said. "Probably just another stupid rally. In the scale of things they're just Block Birds, anyway." ---- Deep in space, everything was going according to plan. "Hahahahahaha!" a Slightly Threatening Foe laughed. "All the stupid are now ours. It will be only a matter of existence is ours, too. AND THAT MEANS FREE CAPPUCINOS ON SUNDAYS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Cue the slightly threatening music! The Slightly Threatening Invasion in question All the stupid individuals in the galaxy had taken their respective positions. What those positions were, nobody knew exactly. But it was a good thing to say in the press release. The slightly threatening ships were moving ever closer to the planets. A giant fleet was heading toward each one; the largest, to Centro. And it contained the Slightly Threatening Foe's mothership. Interestingly, in a remarkably unfortunately coincidental coincidence that no-one will ever quite understand properly, the Verplaatsen were also priming their weapons toward Centro. ---- "Ready all our ships," a deep, menacing voice said. It was a Verplaatsen, but for some odd reason it had no name, rank, or title, just a big walloping voice. "We've reduced each and every planet to atoms except this one. And make it pretty-looking, please." "We have a problem!" another (named) Verplaatsen said. "There's a Slightly Threatening Fleet heading towards this planet as well." "No matter. Take care of it as well." There was a vigorous rumbling, and a blinding flash of light, and then--- When everyone came to their senses Centro was still there and the Slightly Threatening Fleet was still moving slowly towards it. The voice snarled. "What happened???" it demanded. "What went wrong? Why isn't it reduced to atoms yet?" A Verplaatsen technician pressed a button on a machine, which whirred and buzzed a bit before spitting out a sheet of paper. He read the sheet: "'Weapons malfunction. Cause: unavoidable and annoying deus ex machina.'" The voice roared. "We can't be stopped by stupid plot devices! KEEP GOING!!!" "There's more. 'We know you're angry, but toughies. You deserve it, for the Verplaatsen are ignorant little creatures who have no knowledge of basic molecular code, proper scientific observation and experimentation, or restaurant ettiquette. In addition, Hectocapitus could beat you any day and your mother was a gelatinous blob.'" There was a large and Slightly Threatening silence. "'Also, we've stolen all your fruitcakes.'" "AAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" the Verplaatsen race shrieked, and zoomed off to buy some low-price, low-grade fruitcakes. ---- As soon as Sal saw all the stupid had taken up interesting positions, he could suddenly see something Slightly Threatening was going on. So, without rhyme or reason, he decided to fly into space to see what was the matter. And then he saw...the Slightly Threatening Fleet! To be dramatically continued (I think this may be a bit slow) Category:Fiction Category:Short Stories Category:Humour Category:Non-Canon Stories